Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
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My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
kevin is now a local weatherman
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.