Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
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Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.