Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
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My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.