@Black__Elvis: "Let's blast some Jack Johnson and call each other Broseph and dump our girlfriends with a text." -Dudes who wear salmon colored jean shorts
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@KentTheG: I dated a meteorologist once just so I could be with a woman who wasn't right all the time.
@Black__Elvis: I used to struggle to keep food on the table until I Googled "how to get your pet turtle Charles to hold still because he's a table now."
@pinupteacher: All I'm saying is God wouldn't have given me this wild hair if he didn't want me to store stuff in it. *baby hedgehog peaks out*
@iwearaonesie: [movie theater] *reaches into wife's purse* *pulls out lasagna* me: Told you it'd work