the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
You Might Also Like
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Basketball games are very squeaky.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one