This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
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I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…