Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
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Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.