“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
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Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.