“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
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Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
i’m sure it’s fine
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
I have two kinds of followers
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
the simulation is moving too fast
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again