“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
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*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?