@Tylerosis: Let's do something we both know we'll regret in the morning. Let's order KFC for dinner.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night. Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do? *falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
@Marcmywords2: Pick a number, now add 7, divide by 4, write it down. Now get an apple, name it, show it a picture of your cat. Now go to bed,you're drunk.
@AbrasiveGhost: [Me as a Realtor] BUYERS: this is a great house, what's the catch? ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
@PaperWash: Getting a text from someone when I'm trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.