“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
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Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Word!
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.