@Bird_Horowitz: Lets get freaky. I mean really Freaky. Like I can't look you in the eye for two days kinda freaky.
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@iinkedZombie: Wife: "Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!" Me: "Thanks! I've been working out!"
@BriarSlyMalice: I told my kids I'd rather they "pull the plug" than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines. So they hid my phone charger.
@Parkerlawyer: Client, "I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito."