never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
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ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.