Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
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I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong