Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
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I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
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HEYYYY MACARENA
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
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Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.