@TheCatWhisprer: Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
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@kumailn: 7:55 pm: Pours Diet Coke over fries to prevent self from eating them. 8:03 pm: Eats soggy Diet Coke fries.
@Tmoney68: [Jews being led out of Egypt] Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn't just stop & ask directions? Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
@IamEveryDayPpl: Me: Can I leave early today? Boss: No. Me: Can you leave early then? Boss: What? Me: What?