@TheCatWhisprer: Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
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@Brianhopecomedy: My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
@UmarHSoaries: They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings. - Reasons why I drink
@Jake_Vig: HER: I don't know what you'd do without me. ME: HER: Please stop imagining all those things. ME: Ok.
@psybermonkey: Me: thanks for the invite but I'm really not much of a partier haha Friend: it's a search party for my missing wife