Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
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Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Möther may I have a snäck
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.