Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
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“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Monica just destroyed the internet
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do