@knotaprettygirl: Let's give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they "hate it"!! They are the real heroes.
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@murrman5: [at funeral] "my phone is vibrating" want me to create a distraction so you can answer it? "no, are you craz- *points at casket* HE BLINKED
@FierceMess: If it weren't for twitter I wouldn't know what it feels like to go unnoticed. Just kidding, I'm married. I know exactly how that feels.
@Dildo_Hitler: Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as "not Bruce Willis" and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
@Parentpains: My wife is acting like giving me the silent treatment for four days is a bad thing.