Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
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i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.