Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
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Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.