Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
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*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
so, is there a mister shapen head
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework