[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
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nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Pikachu found the lost joint
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you