Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
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Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.