Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
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Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Okay
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
I just stopped by to water my horse.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks