Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
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*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous