‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
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I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”