Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
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8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
How software testing works
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.