“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
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[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Sing it!
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.