Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
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Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
i baked you a cake
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home