Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
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me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.