Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
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Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.