“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
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Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Sunday
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience