🤣🤣🤣
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Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.