Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
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I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree