Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
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I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again