Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
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Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.