Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
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As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”