Love is always patient and kind.
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[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson