“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
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[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
That time Alicia messaged me
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?