duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
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Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.