*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
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5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.