Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
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Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
asking santa clause for nudes
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.