“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
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8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
I was just discussing this with my cat