“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
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I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
This why you should mind your business
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
My biological clock is wheezing.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?