Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
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I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge