Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
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Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
*skinny dips into black hole
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.