Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
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Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
😎 🍻
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.