@Stabby_smurf: Let's say weed does make me dumber. Then you should be thanking me for levelling the playing field.
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@skullpuppy11: Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
@woodmuffin: "For my next illusion" the magician announces: "Free will!" Everyone starts clapping but they don't know why
@DulciePlaid: When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.