Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
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I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”