@Stabby_smurf: Let's say weed does make me dumber. Then you should be thanking me for levelling the playing field.
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@OhighIsis: Mom called to ask if I'd take her shopping. Me: What time? Mom: Anytime between 1-4. Apparently my Mom works for the cable company now.
@Ygrene: [Murderer enters my bedroom] Murderer: murdering time! Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers) Murderer: SON OF A
@PaperWash: Noah build an ark "what? why" I'm gunna flood the earth "just give me fish powers" [jealous he didn't think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
@garthinkingcap: Throughout history they've removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah "Loofifer."