@Stabby_smurf: Let's say weed does make me dumber. Then you should be thanking me for levelling the playing field.
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@Fred_Delicious: [Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist] "He was literally kermit the frog"
@TankCesar: How long are you supposed to chase someone after your wallet gets stolen? Because I'm tired of running and he's catching up....
@ThisOneSayz: Me: want a grilled cheese? 6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat. Me: you got it.
@CakeThrottle: My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say 'It's so cold out!' and I say 'It's winter' and then we silently hate each other.