Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
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*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore