LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
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The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
What the dentist sees
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?