“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
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[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.